My Heart Says It Must Be You
by vanillaXtwilight
Summary: "I'm not sure if it was the alcohol coursing through my veins or the simple fact that I was just tired of the act, but whatever the reason may be: I was no longer staying silent." April and Jackson have a talk that's been a long time coming. Set later in season 9. One-shot.


**Disclaimer: Writing? Mine. Characters? Not so much. That pretty much sums it up. Enjoy!**

I hear her before I see her. Her voice swirls around me until I feel my eyelids shut and my head start to spin. It's a mixture of concern and disappointment and, despite her best efforts her voice, dripping with pity. She knows how much I hate pity. If it were anyone else I'd probably throw a punch or choke out an insult that would have been much cleverer had I been sober. But it is her. So I stay quiet.

Instead I toss back another shot and savor the burning sensation as it slides down my throat like thick, hot tar. I slam the shot glass back on the counter in a victory of sorts, the hallow sound hitting my ears so loudly that I wince. Joe glances in my direction and sighs as he pours another round of bourbon. He glances over my shoulder and I see him shrug in her direction.

The weight of the seat next to me shifts and I know that she's sat down. Her sigh is audible even over the classic rock music and the pounding of my own head. She orders another round, this time with two glasses.

"How many have you had?" she asks as the second shot slides in to view.

"Too many." I announce truthfully throwing back the first drink I have in front of me. She doesn't say anything but I can feel her overwhelming disappoint, concern, and pity suffocating me in between our shallow breaths.

"Why are you doing this?" I breathe out against the rim of my glass, glancing at her briefly before squeezing my eyes shut tightly and tossing back the shot.

She keeps her glass firmly placed on the bar rather than drinking it. Instead, she focuses on the way the liquid swishes back and forth. "It's what best friends do." She says keeping her voice even and her eyes trained on the shot she is currently nursing in her hands.

I snort defiantly at her. She knows just as well as I do how big a load of crap that is. This is the kind of things best friends do, yes. But April Kepner hasn't been that kind of best friend since San Francisco and we both know it. In fact, April hasn't been much of a friend at all lately.

When I open my mouth to say just that to her I am interrupted by Joe's voice telling me that he's afraid he's gonna have to cut me off. The blazing moment of irrational rage over the question of my sobriety causes me to quickly forget the conversation at hand. I go to stand, to prove just how fine I really am, only to find the floor spinning beneath my feet. As I topple back on to the bar stool, April rests her hand on my shoulder and I can't find the strength to shrug it off.

Words pass between Joe and April. I don't quite catch everything because I'm too focused on staying up straight but I manage to hear Joe tell her that I need to hand over my keys but she insists that she'll drive. I assume he's agreed when I hear footsteps retreating in the opposite direction.

"Jackson." She says all low and serious. When I look up at her face I expect to see an expression that matches her tone of voice but it doesn't. She's frowning and her eyes are tired and red rimmed as though she had been crying not too long ago. An urgency rises in my chest to hurt whoever it was that resorted her to tears but a twist of the ever-present knot in my stomach reminds me of how likely it is that I had played a role. "Let's go."

I comply rather quickly, reaching into my pockets to fish out a few twenties. I only find a five and a few singles and am wildly searching for my wallet when I remember leaving it in my duffle bag at the hospital. I tilt my head back and groan as I run a hand over my face in frustration. It wasn't like I had planned on spending the night at Joe's attempting to drown out my world and everything in it. Nope, that was all pretty spontaneous.

I feel a crisp bill slip underneath my hand and I sigh. "I'll pay you back." I mumble miserably.

"Don't worry about it." She says as she slips an arm around my waist in an attempt to lift me out of the chair. I'm not so far gone that I can't stand up so I do most of the lifting of my body but it won't hurt to let April think that she picked me up herself. "You're too nice, you know that? You gotta toughen up, Kepner."

"I'll keep that in mind." She mutters back, completely focused on the task at hand.

The sound of the bell above the door of Joe's rings in my ears as April fights to help lead me up the concrete stairs. I catch a hint of April's shampoo briefly when the wind blows her hair in my direction. "Do you always smell this good?" I ask taking another whiff of her hair as I lean my body weight completely against her. She laughs softly, shaking her head as we mount the last step.

When we're officially on flat ground once again, she lets out a sigh of contentment. Her eyes gleam and, if only for a moment, I can see the flash of the girl I really know. Well, I guess, the girl I once knew. She had said it herself: she wasn't the same person she was when she started her residency. She'd made that perfectly clear a number of times.

Our steps slow as we near the car and her supportive grip around my waist loosens as she takes a step backwards, clearly having made the executive decision that I'm stable enough to stand on my own. "I'm gonna need your keys." April says plainly, holding out her hand in expectance. "And don't worry. I'll do my best not to hurt your 'baby'."

"Relax." I tell her as I press the keys in to her outstretched hand. "I trust you."

Our eyes lock momentarily but April quickly averts her gaze back to the keys in her hand and unlocks the car.

Just as I start to round the car, I feel my stomach lurch forward. Suddenly, I find myself throwing up in to a bush and trying unsuccessfully to get the world to stop spinning long enough for me to stand up straight. I don't know how long I've been hunched over the bush when April silently appears and begins rubbing circles soothingly across my back. There she goes with that pitying thing again. I clench my fists and my eyes shut tight, fighting to keep back words I know I'll regret.

"You okay?" April probes softly, the circular motion slowing until it stops as I start to stand up straight again. I open my mouth to say as much but am quickly cut off by another round of nausea.

I think I hear her say something about "taking me over to the hospital" but I can't be sure because I black out again at the sound of my own heaving.

When I come to, I find myself alone in one of the all-too-familiar Seattle Grace Mercy West on call rooms. I flop around like a fish out of water, taking in all my surroundings and note the lack of sun shining in between the blinds meaning that it was still night. I also note the lack of a shirt. I rack my still fuzzy brain hoping to God that I wasn't _that_ drunk.

All thoughts of possible scenarios stop as the door to the on-call swings open, letting the fluorescent light from hallway flood the room. I wince as I hold a hand out to cover my eyes in an attempt to both block the light and make out the silhouette standing in the doorway. Even with the pounding headache I'm currently experiencing it doesn't take a whole lot for me to figure out who it is.

"Sorry." April says kicking the door closed behind her as soundlessly as possible. She is carefully balancing something I can't quite make out in her hands.

"What is that?" I ask jutting my chin in her direction.

"Just the world's best hangover kit." She says with a triumphant smile joining me on the cot.

"And what exactly does this kit include?" I question, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, world's best might be stretching it a bit too far." She admits. "It's basically just your scrubs because you kinda threw up on your other shirt," April explains gesturing to a spot on the ground where I can only assume lay my soiled shirt, "some Excedrin, a pack of saltine crackers, and water."

"I knew there was a reason I kept you around, Kepner." I reply as I slip my scrub top on, not thinking of the double meaning behind my words until they are already out there. I can feel her tense next to me as she passes over the items. I could practically hear her thoughts screaming as loud as my own that "I hadn't really kept her around, now had I?" I close my eyes, leaning my head back against the cool wall and breathe out deeply. Clearly, April's verbal diarrhea was starting to become contagious.

I'm not at all surprised when I feel the sudden shift of the mattress below me. When her feet hit the ground I can't even stop the scoff that escapes my lips.

"What?" April says, flipping around no longer concealing her annoyance.

"Nothing."

"Really? This," April mimics the scoff, "is nothing?"

"It's just unsurprising is all."

"If you have something to say, Jackson, just say it."

"You're running away." I say unable to keep the bitterness out of my tone as I add, "Again."

April's jaw goes slack and her eyes widen in surprise. I'm even a little surprised at my words. I had come to the realization a long time ago that you couldn't always be completely honest with people or else you ran the high risk of someone getting hurt. As with most things, April had always been the exception. She was the one person I thought I could be honest with at all times about everything. It wasn't until the infamous "Now Jesus hates me" moment right before boards that everything changed. Everything I thought I knew about our relationship had been put in to question. Ever since I have been storing words and moments away in to a volt at the back of my mind of things I wasn't allowed to talk about. They were just things to bury away and forget about. I'm not sure if it was the alcohol coursing through my veins or the simple fact that I was just tired of the act, but whatever the reason may be: I was no longer staying silent.

April set her jaw and crossed her arms across her chest. She moved her eyes to the tops of her sneakers, biting the inside of her cheek to keep from crying. Shaking her head she mumbles "I should've known." I'm not even sure what she's referring to but it both intensifies my rage and adds to my guilt over being angry. What a warped, sadistic cycle. Not unlike our current relationship.

I'm half convinced the only reason she's even standing where she is right now is to show that she's not afraid of confrontation. That she doesn't run. I'm just not sure who she's trying to prove this to more: me or her.

"Why didn't you stay, April?"

The silence from the lack of her response stretches on for an uncomfortable amount of time but eventually, through gritted teeth, she asks, "What are you talking about? Tonight I…"

"Not tonight." I cut in frustrated. I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose, breathing out deeply. "After the plane crash. At Joe's. You were supposed to stay. I _asked_ you to stay. And you just…" I trail off, shaking my head. She knows the rest.

"I _did_ stay!" April defends. "For weeks after the crash I stuck around. I had no job, no house, no hope. I had no real reason to stay at all…" April says, gulping as she presses on, "except for one…you."

"Well you didn't seem to have a problem leaving me behind to go jetting off to Ohio the second you could." I accuse, standing up from the cot abruptly.

"I thought Sloan was better. I thought that if he was ok you wouldn't need me anymore." April admits with a shrug.

"Of course I needed you!" I yell back throwing my hands up in exasperation. I turned away as I began to pace. How was it possible for someone so smart to be so oblivious?

She is stunned in to silence for a moment but quickly rolls her shoulders back and drops her arms at her sides. "You were leaving anyways! You choose Tulane, remember?"

I did remember. I remembered how horrible I had felt the second I had hung up the phone with the head of the plastics department. The way my stomach had clenched and how bitter my mouth had tasted. Kinda like now. I had tried to be excited, I really had. I'd even made a list of all the reasons Tulane, or anywhere else for that matter, would be better then Seattle Grace Mercy Death. Yet, all those reasons hadn't been enough to overcome to the one glaring con: None of them would have April.

In the silence I hear April take in and release a deep, shaky breath. "I thought Sloan was better."

"So you keep saying."

"Well, it wasn't like anyone bothered to call me, Jackson!" she counters. "I didn't even know he had died until Owen Hunt showed up on my family's farm. My best friend's mentor had died and I had to hear about it from my boss. I waited for weeks to hear from you! _Weeks_." She cries, her voice cracking. "You were all I thought about in Moline!"

"What did you expect, April? You had just broken my heart! I didn't call you because I couldn't bring myself to hear your voice." I shout at her, unable to keep the pain out of my voice. "Everyone is always leaving me and _you_ were supposed to be the one person I could count on. You were the one person who I thought would always be there."

"I still am that person!"

"Really?" I accuse, squinting my eyes angrily. "Then why is this the first real conversation we've had in months?"

Our breathing is strained and shallow in the soundless room as April mulls over my words in the quiet of her own head. As the seconds pass by agonizingly slow, I can feel the silence beginning to suffocate me. Knowing how stubborn April is to prove that she won't run, I decide that's it's my turn to be the coward.

"I'm gonna go." I mumble turning around and gathering the pile of items April had brought for me. "I'll just find another on-call room or maybe get someone to drive me home or…" My words catch in my throat when I pivot back around to find April standing directly in front of me. Her eyes are shining and she's biting her lip that same way she did in the bathroom the day of our boards. I can't help but gulp as my eyes momentarily drift to her lips then back to her smoldering eyes. It's a dangerous look and we both know it.

"April…" I tentatively begin but am quickly cut off by the shaking of April's head.

"I still am that person, Jackson." She whispers. "Me and you, right?"

Before I have a chance to respond, I am interrupted by the crashing of April's lips on my own. My lips mold to hers as desire and instinct take over. I tangle one hand in her hair and keep the other at the base of her neck, deepening the kiss. The kiss is desperate and passionate, yet tender and sweet. It's everything I remembered it to be. I notice that she keeps her hands on my cheeks as though she's afraid I'll pull away at any moment. I smirk into the kiss at the thought. She didn't have anything to worry about.

Without much thought, I start pulling her down to the cot with me. It is this simple action that causes April's world to snap back in to focus. She pulls away abruptly and stares at me like a deer caught in the headlights. "What are we doing?" she mutters to herself. "What are we doing?!" she repeats, this time much more panicked.

"April," I groan, rolling my neck back in exasperation. "Just…relax."

She seems to not have heard me as her rant continues on, "I have a…a Matt." She stutters, glancing in my direction at the mention of the paramedic. At this point she is pacing the room in a full out panic.

"Can we just talk about…" I attempt to cut in.

"And _you_." she shouts in accusation, only stopping to point a finger at me. "You have girlfriend!"

"Apr…"

"Oh my God, Stephanie is going to hate me! And we were just starting to get along..."

"April!" I yell, standing up and grabbing her by the shoulders to bring her back to reality. "Just stop for a minute!" When I finally get her to stop pacing and to take a second to breathe, her eyes immediately fill to the brim with tears and her shoulders start to shake.

A lone tear runs down her cheek and before I can stop myself I reach out, cupping her cheek and brushing it away. "Would it help if I told you I don't have a girlfriend anymore?" I say, speaking slowly. I feel April still under my touch.

"What are you talking about?" she questions reeling backwards and shrugging off my hands from her shoulders, holding her hands up in defense. Understanding dawns in her eyes as she puts the pieces of the puzzle together. "That's why you were at Joe's." Her tone leaves no room for argument. It's not a question, but rather a statement.

"Yes, but it was more that." I plead, taking a step forward in an effort to close the gap between us. The attempt proves futile as she takes yet another step back. "Ask me why."

"Why what?"

"Why we broke up. Ask me why."

"I don't really need to know the inner-workings of your love life, Jackson." April argues, visibly uncomfortable.

"Fine." I concede. "But I'm going to tell you anyway."

April rolls her rolls her eyes and glowers at me. I notice her glance over my shoulder at the door. A part of me expects her to hear her footsteps retreating at any moment but when her feet remain firmly planted on the ground in front I continue on.

"Stephanie and I had this patient yesterday. She's pretty much this serial girlfriend. Basically, she's the female Karev but with a hell of a lot less commitment issues."

"Is this going somewhere?"

I hold up a hand to calm her. "Relax. And yes." She rolls her eyes again and crosses her arms over her chest.

"So before surgery she's freaking out and she makes us promise her that she'll be alright. That she _needed_ to be alright. You wanna know why? 'Cause she's never been in love before. She's this girl who's gone almost her entire life with one boyfriend or another yet she'd never been in love. And it made me realize just how rare falling in love really is. Not the puppy dog stuff. The heart-beating like crazy every time they walk in the room kinda love. That kind of love only comes around once or twice in a life time if we're lucky."

"I don't get how…"

"So, Stephanie asks me if I've ever been in love like that before." I say taking a step forward, April matching my every move with one step back. I smirk when April's back finally hits the wall. She closes her eyes and breathes deeply as the realization that she's trapped registers.

"What did you say?" April breathes out, looking up at me from her lashes.

I continue to close the now little space separating us and press my forehead to hers unable to contain my smile as I whisper, "I think you already know."

The way April bites her lip to suppress the smile threatening to escape only causes my smile to grow wider. "Steph is a great girl…she's funny and interesting and I know someone is going to be very lucky to love her someday. But I'm not that guy...because…"

"Because…" April echoes, hanging on to my every word at this point.

"I love you."

It's in that moment that April's will power crumbles entirely. Those three little words cause an entire earthquake to any self-control she still had standing.

April launches forward, pressing her mouth to mine and wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me as close as possible. I'm hesitant to be presumptuous again so I stay put but it's not long before she's taking control and navigating the way around the room to the cot without breaking the kiss. When the back of my legs finally hit the bed I pull away from the kiss with a smack of our lips.

"You sure about this?" I ask seriously, taking her face in my hands.

For the first time in what seems like forever, April smiles up at me. "More then anything."

"You know, this is the first time we've ever done this." I say pushing strands of hair behind April's ear as she rests on my chest.

She glances up, shooting me a quizzical look. "Excuse me?" she laughs. "I know it's been a while but we have most definitely done this before."

"No. Not the sex part. The after part." I tell her, wrapping a firm around her and pulling her closer to me. "It's nice."

"That's partially my fault." April admits guiltily.

"Eh," I shrug, kissing her on the forehead. "We're here now."

"This wasn't just some kind of drunken hook-up right?" April asks the fear apparent in her voice as the self-conscious little girl side of her comes out.

"Does this feel like a drunken hook-up to you?"

"Not really." April laughs. "Not that I would know."

There's a shift in the air as the tone in my turns serious. "Did you ever…have you ever…with Matt?" It wasn't that I was embarrassed to say "sex", the thought of April with anyone else just caused bile to rise in my throat.

"That's none of your business." April says solemnly.

I swallow hard and nod hastily. "You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm sorry for…"

"But no." she breaks in. "We've never."

"So," I pause as I let this new information sink in. "Only me?"

"Only you." She agrees.

I'm unapologetic when a triumphant smile forms on my lips. "Is it selfish of me to admit that I like it that way?" I ask out-loud.

"Yes." She affirms sitting up from our position on the bed, holding the sheet tightly to the chest. "But sweet." She adds, leaning over to press a kiss to my lips before reaching over to grab her bra and shirt from the ground at the end of the bed.

I watch intently as April gets ready, not realizing the smile I wear the entire time until she stands and spins around, looking at me with her eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "What?" she says glancing down at her clothes as though she might have something on backwards or inside out.

"Nothing." I inform her. "I just love you."

It's nice. Being able to say it now. The words that have been hanging on the tip of my tongue since the night April left for Ohio. Hell, maybe they were ever there before then. Who knows and who cared. The point was, they were out there now.

April's face breaks in to a wide grin before reaching down to kiss me once more.

"I've really gotta go." She groans, pulling away reluctantly.

She's almost to the door when I find my voice calling her back. "Where does this leave us?" I question. I don't know what makes me ask but I couldn't let the question go unanswered.

April's face falls slightly but she quickly regains her composure. "I've gotta talk to Matt, first, before we can figure us out." She says hesitantly. "He deserves that much."

Her words cause an uneasy feeling to settle in my stomach but I don't get to say anything before the door opens and she disappears in to the light of the hallway. When she's finally gone I decide that a few hours of sleep might do me some good before my next shift so I force all negative thoughts out of my head and go to sleep dreaming of a world where April might just love me too.

**A.N.**_ Hi guys!_

_So I know it's a one shot and I kind of left a really open ended ending but that was kind of the point. Episodes of Grey's usually don't end on a super happy, fluffy note so I didn't want to end the one shot that way either. Since this is set later on in season and these are basically just my predictions of what is to come for these characters I'm not opposed to writing a follow up once we get further in season 9. I'd have to be really inspired though and the best way to cause inspiration for an author is to **REVIEW**! So pleaseee do so :) I love writing for this couple…they're just so much fun! Hopefully you'll see more from me in the future. Thanks for reading!_

_P.S. This unbetaed, so all mistakes are my own._


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